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Andrea was the younger of two sisters. When she was about 12, her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, and had a mastectomy, but then returned to an active life. However, at 25, mother’s cancer returned. “I was older and I could understand and relate to it more on an adult level. …It was extremely scary. At that time, I was much more aware of what cancer was and how serious it was. I remember calling her oncologist from my office cubicle, asking him to explain to me what was going on and how serious it was. He said, ‘I wouldn’t give her more than two years’. That was horrible. I remember being at my office and I was left just hysterical with the realization that her time was finite.” Over the next seven years, mother slowly deteriorated from her cancer. In spite of this, Andrea’s mother remained upbeat. The family followed mother’s philosophy at that point, “Taking one day at a time”. During the period between the recurrence and mother’s death, Andrea, her mother and her sister became extremely close. “We talked a lot more candidly about life, and all of our experiences and death - the history of our family.” Andrea thinks that her relationship with her mother was better because of her mother’s illness. “I was very open with her, and she was very open minded and very understanding. It was just a good relationship.” In spite of a very positive relationship, a pattern of mutual protection developed in the family. Mother continued to try to limit the involvement of her daughters, but at the same time, the daughters protected their mother from information they felt she would not want to know. “I had several conversations with her oncologist that she never knew about. I think she thought she was protecting us, but really, we had turned into adult women and were taking charge of the situation.” Because her sister was married and had two children, most of the care-giving responsibility fell onto Andrea. “I stayed with her and cooked every single meal for her; brought it in to her, took care of her, bathed her. It was extremely difficult to be in that role. I was 32 years old and I still feel very young. It’s not something that I wanted to be doing.” In spite of the fact that Andrea had great difficulty with managing mother’s feeding tube and dressing changes, her mother was adamantly opposed to getting home care. In the end, though, mother agreed to hospice care and died peacefully at home, surrounded by family. After mother’s death, Andrea had difficulty visiting mother’s grave. “And I go back there often. I had a lot of dreams about that. I don’t really like the idea of being underground.” Andrea also would go to mother’s former apartment, sit in her car in the parking lot and cry. Andrea and her sister packed up all of mother’s things several weeks after her death. “We were in such a daze when we were doing it, really. We got rid of a lot of stuff, and we ended up getting two storage units downtown. It was too hard to go through it the first time.’ Andrea’s husband is not always sympathetic with her grieving. “I’ll just start crying, and he won’t understand. He’ll say, ‘What happened? What started that? You were doing so well!’ It’s hard for him to understand, and I’m getting tired of explaining that it’s still there. It’s not gonna go away. It’s not like it’s over. Closure. We’re moving on.” Andrea experiences a similar lack of understanding from other people, who expect her to be “over it”. After mother’s death, Andrea and her sister mourned the loss of a home. Andrea explains that her mother’s place “became the home. She was the one that always had holiday dinners. That’s where we always gathered. That’s where I would always stay… My mother was just such the connection for everything. I miss the connection.” Andrea thinks that having a family would be a way to keep mother alive. “I really want to bring her alive through all my children. …It’s important for me for my mother to be a big part of my children’s life, even though she’s not here. I want her to still be a big part of them.” Andrea now feels that her mother lives within her. “I just feel sort of empowered now. I feel like I have my mother inside of me. I’m going to always carry her with me. I pull on her strength a lot when I need it.” Andrea also intends to continue some of mother’s roles, giving holiday dinners, and taking up tennis, which her mother so enjoyed. There is a fear behind these intentions. “I don’t want to ever forget her. I can’t imagine that I ever could. But I want to keep her alive. It’s important to me to keep her alive.” |